It creeps up on you unexpectedly.

You’re at home, in front of your computer, on some idle Friday night in. You browse Facebook, scroll Instagram, read about Pokemon go. Tired, you sit back and take a breather. A moment of retrospection creeps in.

Hey, it’s been a while since I had my fix.

That’s great, you think. XX days, not bad at all.

You think about the last great fix you had, (that final one wasn’t too good) and smile. Damn that was a good one, but I’ve given that up. No more. On to better things.

But wait, a voice inside you says – That last fix, wow, it WAS good wasn’t it? Like REALLY good. Totally hit the spot. In fact, you could really use one right now. C’mon. Just a little bit. 

No, hey, wait. NO. Nononono. I made a promise to myself, remember? No more of that.

C’mon, you’re not feeling good. It’s been a stressful week. I mean, it’s great that you’ve come this far – XX days! It’s a milestone. Who knew you’d make it this long? No one will judge you if you slip up now. One tiny mistake on a long road to recovery. Baby steps.

What? No I-

Neah man, no one would even know. You can start over. Aim for longer than XX days next round. Then go longer the round after that. But for now, for tonight, just accept your small victory and celebrate.

Shit. Maybe I’ll just <precursor to addiction>. I mean, I won’t do it, but it won’t hurt to just <precursor to addiction>.

Yeah. Yeah that works. Just to remember how good it was. Do it.

Oh wow. This feels good. I’m not sure why I stopped. I mean yeah, there’s always that sense of self-loathing and regret and emptiness after, but…

Listen – don’t think about all that. Just remember how good it was. Just one slip up, it’s nothing.

But, shit, XX days, I worked so hard to get here. Okay, you know what, I’m just going to stall. If I wait, maybe this feeling will go away.

No. NOW. Do it.

C’mon, just 20 minutes. If in 20 minutes I don’t feel better, I’ll do it okay? Give me 20 minutes.

You think in 20 minutes this’ll be better? You’re just wasting time. At least if you know you’re going to do it, cut your losses. Don’t waste precious time. 

No no no, I want to say at least I tried. 20 minutes.

-20 minutes pass by-

DONE. DO. IT.

But I’m tired. It’s late. And if I just lie on my bed, I might fall asleep.

No, you can still make it. C’mon, don’t be lazy. You’re not a lazy person are you?

No. I’ve been down this road before. I ALWAYS listen to you. I always take this path. I already know what’s down this road. No surprises there.

But I haven’t been here. The road less travelled. And I’m… curious. What’s at the end there? What’s waiting for me?

Nothing. It’s the same thing on both roads. At least down this road you’ll feel GOOD. You’ll be just as disappointed down that one as you will be here. Life sucks. We’re all just trying to feel good while we can. Just do it.

No. I’m going to bed. I want to see what’s down this one.

Idiot.

The next morning you wake up, and – silence. No more voices. It feels like you’re walking through a battlefield that you were just fighting in last night. Everything is clear.

Something stirs inside you. What’s this? It’s not self-loathing, not emptiness, but… Victory? Contentment? Happiness?

Wow. You didn’t expect this. You’ve fought that battle many times before, and you’ve always lost. This, this is new.

And good.

Very good.

Now just do it again.

 

 

 

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