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JustKhairie

My blog on self-development and emotional health

ASK HER OUT FOR YOU, NOT FOR HER.

A couple of months ago, I was out with a good friend and fellow blogger of mine, Crystal, when I told her that I’d been asking random women out dates. The conversation went somewhat like this:

Her: You mean, you’ve been asking random girls you see on the street out?

Me: Yeah! Why?

Her: Don’t you think it’s weird? Like if someone I didn’t know just came out to me and did that, I think I’d freak out.

Me: I don’t think it’s weird. Provided of course, you’re able to handle it if she rejects you.

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FIND YOUR PURPOSE.

Do something for me right now and ask yourself one thing. Ask yourself: “What is it that I really want?”

I’m not talking about something immediate like a sandwich, or a quickie. I’m talking about something you really, honest-to-god, want for yourself. Maybe you wanted to look ripped, like a fitness model. Maybe you wanted to be the owner of your own paintball store. Maybe you’ve always wanted to visit Buenos Aires.

It’s likely something that scares you. Something that comes with a lot of excuses, like yeah, sure, you want those things, but who has the time? Your job keeps you busy, and Life isn’t that romantic. You have responsibilities, bills to pay, people to take care of. On second thought, you probably don’t really love it, it’s just something fun to do if you ever have the time and the money. Maybe after you’ve retired.

Does that sound familiar?

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BEING ALONE (IT’S NOT SO BAD).

One of the most prevalent, and powerful fears I’ve encountered, is the fear of being alone. Almost everyone has it, and whether we realise it or not, it’s the root of most of our insecurities.

Rejection’s tough because its a flat out confession that a particular person you’d like to be with, doesn’t want to be with you. People that are too nice, are afraid that if they were honest, others wouldn’t like them and leave. Most of us don’t like being different because we’re afraid of being ostracised by society.

I get that. I feel it too. My first serious relationship with my ex started when I was 27. Now that she’s gone, I’m afraid I’ll never find someone else again. My mind rationalises that, because I was single for so long before, it’ll be a long while before I find someone else again.

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SO YOU JUST GOT DUMPED (PART 2: FRIENDS)

Whichever stage of the breakup you’re on, having friends around you is absolutely crucial. Whether it’s been a day, a week, or a month, your friends (or family if you’re closer to them) will be one of your strongest support systems. Trust me on this.

If you’ve been neglecting your friends, now’s the chance to make it up to them. Don’t be embarrassed to give them a call. Don’t worry about what they’ll think of you for suddenly showing up. Everyone’s been through a breakup, we all know the drill. Chances are, they’d understand, and they’ll be there for you nonetheless. If they choose not to be there for you because they have that ‘oh-NOW-you-come-looking-for-us’ mentality, then stay away – they won’t make you feel better in any situation, breakup or otherwise.

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SO YOU JUST GOT DUMPED (PART 4: RELAPSE)

*I wanted to write a part 2 and 3 before this, as I feel the parts should come in chronological order, but I felt the urge to write part 4 tonight. It’s being posted out of order, so bear with me.

So it’s been several months, and the worst is over. After hearing from countless friends that you’ll be fine, for the first time, you actually start to feel it, unbelievable as it sounds. You wake up not thinking about her. You’re excited with new hobbies. You meet new people. You haven’t seen her in weeks, and you don’t miss her as much. You think – finally, it’s happening. I’m getting over her.

And then one day some random thing sets you off – a Facebook photo, a text from her, you see her getting cosy with a new guy – and you crash. Bad.

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SETTING THE VALUE YOU OFFER TO OTHER PEOPLE.

I had a dysfunctional relationship with my late mother. Being the only child, she had an unreasonably high expectation of me. At 10 years old, she forced me to read an encyclopaedia of outer space. These weren’t children’s books either – they were meant for high school/ college students.

Naturally, it was confusing as hell. It didn’t help that she would quiz me after each chapter, and when I couldn’t answer, she’d put me down and yell at me.

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WHY WE NEED TO STOP THE ‘FRIENDZONE’ CONCEPT

Chances are, you already know what the ‘Friendzone’ is because it’s been made popular by sites like 9gag and TV shows, but if you don’t, here’s a simple  breakdown:

If you’re a guy with a bad history with women, you’re familiar with the concept. You remember buying her the perfect birthday present (the one you spent a week thinking of/saving up for), only to have her spend the night with her boyfriend. Or you remember spending an hour or more driving her from her home to the mall, even though it wasn’t convenient for you at the time, but she desperately needed to get there and her car was broken.

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SO YOU JUST GOT DUMPED (PART 1: FEEL THE PAIN).

Ah shit. Fuck. I’m so sorry. Is it your first time? Then I really have nothing to say. Your world has stopped spinning, or at least had had its revolving speed dramatically reduced. You’re going to feel unbearably alone and empty, despite your many supportive friends. You’re going to wake up and wish that this wasn’t real, that this was all a dream. You’re going to wish you had the power to go back in time and change things, but you can’t.

It’s going to suck, and suck bad for the foreseeable future. I’m sorry, nothing can change that. But I’m going to try my best to comfort you, just a little bit for now, until you’re ready for more, okay? So just lie back, read, and digest this slowly.

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CONFIDENTLY COMFORTABLE ON VALENTINE’S DAY

Valentine’s day is around the corner again, and maybe you feel that familiar gut-wrenching anxiety. “Oh shit, is it that time of the year again?” you ask, as you scramble to make plans, anything to seem like you didn’t shut yourself in like some loveless hermit. Maybe you make it a point to go out, to protest what the day stands for and to assert your rightful place as a proud, single person. Maybe you log on to Facebook and Twitter, posting status updates on how dumb couples are for wasting their money on Valentine’s day and succumbing to social pressures. Or maybe you simply stay home with a bottle of booze and binge through 8 seasons of your favourite TV show, waiting for the Lovepocalypse to end.

Whatever you do, do it, but don’t feel sorry for yourself.

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